Dealing with loneliness as a professor

Question

How do professors deal with loneliness? I feel that professors, specifically in the STEM fields, have to constantly project an image of seriousness to the public - an image that math and science are no. 1 in their lives. Any projection of any other feelings is discouraged, e.g. feelings of romance.

Professors earn a special social status in society, for better or worse, and this means that they are more intensely scrutinized and they have to adhere to extra morally restrictive standards. If one lands up in a small college town as a professor, there is virtually nobody that's a suitable dating partner or a suitable friend - other than one's colleagues. The college town will comprise mostly of students.

Am I on point with my assessment of the life of a professor in the STEM fields? If so, how does a professor deal with a relatively lonelier lifestyle than non-academics? The acquired social status of being an academic and scientific leader seems to come with an enormous cost.

"Am I on point with my assessment of the life of a professor in the STEM fields?" No, you are not. — Eppicurt, Nov 06 '17 at 06:28
That question is based on a false premise if I have ever seen one. Just because you are expected to not date your students or be the most drunk person at a college party does not mean that you have to "adhere to extra morally restrictive standards". Just be a grown-up, and you'll be fine. — xLeitix, Nov 06 '17 at 06:45
professors, specifically in the STEM fields, have to constantly project an image of seriousness to the public — Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! No. — JeffE, Nov 06 '17 at 07:05
that they are more intensely scrutinized That's a joke right? — Cape Code, Nov 06 '17 at 08:07
There was this guy who used to frequent strip clubs, draw nude women, play drums, and be an overall easygoing person. Also a Nobel laureate. — Gallifreyan, Nov 06 '17 at 10:49
Your question is similar to point 2 of this question: Asian male scientists who are perceived as unattractive and boring and have trouble balancing a life in science with a social life outside of academia. — Richard Erickson, Nov 06 '17 at 13:34
As the comments have established, we don't really agree with the assertions about how professors have to present themselves. Could you back your assertions up? Why do you think that this is the case? — ymbirtt, Nov 06 '17 at 15:38
My advisor is a fun guy with a great sense of humor, and I found a state university professor from the same school on a dating site. She was smiling in all her photos and generally having a good time. If that helps kill the false premise. — do-the-thing-please, Nov 06 '17 at 16:07
You can be a rock star professor if you want to. In fact I sometimes think the world would be a better place with a few more of those. — mathreadler, Nov 07 '17 at 06:42

score 78 · Answer 1 · answered Nov 06 '17 at 06:14

I’m afraid you are misinformed. Professors (including in STEM) are ordinary humans and are entitled to the same set of feelings, emotions and lifestyle choices as other people are accorded by the rest of society. They certainly might suffer from loneliness, and deal with it in the same way that any other person might. But what you wrote about “Any projection of any other feelings is discouraged, e.g. feelings of romance”? Respectfullly, that notion is simply nonsense, and to the extent that it is a belief some people hold, it needs to die a swift, painless death.

As for the peculiarities of the situation a professor might end up in of being a professional, highly educated single person of a certain age range living in a small college town where there aren’t many other single people of the same age range and interests who may be suitable dating partners: well, again, that situation is by no means unique to college professors. Many people live in small towns with limited dating options. Somehow they manage, and for those who find this really intolerable, there’s always the option of trying to get a job in a bigger city or near one.

In my youth, I thought that there was a tendency for mathematicians to be more solitary than others, by nature of the profession, but now I sometimes think it's not solitary enough for me (meetings, committees, students, ...). — Kimball, Nov 06 '17 at 13:00

score 53 · Answer 2 · answered Nov 06 '17 at 07:03

53

A few years ago, while shopping at a supermarket, I bumped into a student of mine. He was aghast.

The next week he came to my office to take the exam, and we had the following piece of conversation:

Me: Hey, you're the one I met a the supermarket!

Student: Yes, at the beginning I was shocked, but then I thought: "They have to eat too!"

Me: Thank you for recognizing our human nature!

So, let me tell you a secret, but please don't tell it around! Professors are human beings: they have friends and families; they love and hate; they have hobbies; they play games, sports and instruments; they go to the cinema, theaters and restaurants; and they don't do the professors 24/7.

Overall, professors are no lonelier than any other human being.

answered Nov 06 '17 at 07:03

Massimo Ortolano

55,428
19
166
207

38

"Thank you for recognizing our human nature" <- this sounds somehow... professor-ish :-) – peterh Nov 06 '17 at 07:18
Is this a true story? I find it hard to imagine a student would actually react this way. But that may be because I'm Dutch. – gerrit Nov 06 '17 at 10:02
3

@gerrit Yes it is! Along the years I made some funny encounters around the city with the students, but I think that this one shows better how much certain students think that professors are aliens from outer space. – Massimo Ortolano Nov 06 '17 at 10:10
4

Good try but we all know "The Faculty" aren't human... – ventsyv Nov 06 '17 at 16:08
6

Similar encounter at a pub. Very awkward. Students were counting how many beers I was drinking (2) and I think snipping secretly photos as proof. Lots of giggling next day in class. – electrique Nov 06 '17 at 17:09
2

Same experience here. I don’t know why the fact that professors also shop for groceries comes as such a surprise to students, but... it just does. – Dan Romik Nov 07 '17 at 01:22
@DanRomik and Massimo - I remember having a similar reaction to your students, when I bumped into my child's doctor in the grocery store. There is something about a doctor that does feel non-ordinary person. – aparente001 Dec 07 '17 at 02:33

score 11 · Answer 3 · answered Nov 06 '17 at 12:57

11

Read Surely You're Joking, Mr. Feynman! and cut with that nonsense that a professor (or even a Nobel laureate) has to be lone and deadly serious.

answered Nov 06 '17 at 12:57

lukeg

3,696
2
12
30

2

That is, at best, a special case. For every Feynman, there is a Dirac for a counterexample :) – 299792458 Nov 06 '17 at 14:33
10

@TheDarkSide I disagree. Feynman was a bit unconventional, but he was much closer to a normal human being, and to a normal physicist, than Dirac was. Note that after all it’s Dirac, not Feynman, whose biography is titled “The Strangest Man”. – Dan Romik Nov 06 '17 at 15:20
2

@DanRomik - With all due respect to you, and to Feynman (I am obviously very, very fond of his approach to Physics), you are right when you say F was much closer to "normal" than D. He had the same instincts that normal people would have - everyone likes popularity and being viewed as unconventional. If you think a little more about it, all of F's Physics aside, that larger-than-life Feynman caricature was actually a carefully constructed image. Beyond a stage, it has a snowball effect, and that explains your last sentence. That's my opinion, please feel free to disagree. :) – 299792458 Nov 06 '17 at 17:21

score 5 · Answer 4 · answered Nov 06 '17 at 13:53

I don't know that this is any more true for professors/teachers than it is for priests, ministers, lawyers, physicians, politicians, etc. I'm not even sure it is really generally true for professors.

If it is true . . . well, you can always cultivate friendships and relationships with others in your profession, or with members of other professions in your locality. It is is a really small town, there are probably lawyers and a priest and some ministers without many in their profession to talk to. If you want a friend, try being one.

My suspicion is that this is not so much about "professors lead lonely lives" as it is about "I am lonely," or "I fear leading a lonely life." But this need not be so. You can learn to be more outgoing. You can become involved in something outside of work: a faith community, a food bank or Meals on Wheels, Toast Masters, a book discussion group, etc.

You are right that a professor must avoid the temptation of building close relationships with his or her students. And this can be tempting. The young are full of energy and possibility. But there are other types of energy and possibility in your town. You just have to consciously seek that out in somewhere OTHER than your students.

Dealing with loneliness as a professor

4 Answers4