5th year of PhD, depressed with no results want to quit

Question

I am a 5th year PhD student in Biotechnology from a mediocre University. Although my university doesn't have even basic resources I tried my best to do my work by managing things from here and there. Even my supervisor doesn't support me in any way, neither in any discussion nor is he letting me get support from anywhere else. He even called my results fake and copied when I showed them to him first. He doesn't let us do any kind of novel work either.

He is kind of toxic and paranoid and just involved in politics with his favourite students. I don't participate in this. He and some of my colleagues even tortured me and and did character assassination. Always poking in people's personal life and shaming them in front of others.

I didn't have any progress in that lab so after taking permission from my HOD I went into another lab and started my work. My results are still not up to the mark; I tried my best but am unable to do it. I don't know what to do now, I am so depressed and even suicidal, I used to be happy and full of confidence but now I am struggling to survive. Nothing is going well.

I am not even interested in this field anymore, I am interested in some creative field like writing. But I am scared to start from scratch with such a big gap and no significant experience. My parents gave me proper time to heal but I still I am not well, my father is telling me to go back to university. I get panic attacks only thinking about it.

Everyone has so much expectations from me as I was a very good student, and the single person in my whole generation to go for higher studies. I have no clue about my life. I HAVE NO IDEA. I am so depressed. Should quit or do nothing?

Answer 1

Please seriously consider talking to a professional about this, potentially even the support services offered by your university. It is important to have someone who is outside of your situation (outside of your lab, your department, your friend group, your family) to gain some real perspective and help make plans and decisions that are right for you. That is what professionals are for and it is a sign of real strength to realise when you need to get a bit of help making sense of such a difficult situation.

Answer 2

If you were a good student, what made you a good student is still there, only the circumstances buried it. Change the circumstances, dig yourself out.

Understand what you can do, and what you need to do to achieve that.

Can you somehow wrap up your PhD, at mediocre level even, just to get it done? Your heart may not in it anymore for the time being, but if that is somehow practicable, it may at least get you something for the investment.

If not, maybe it is still a good idea to leave. You may be in an unlucky group or this type of research may not be for you, we cannot tell. However, not all groups are like that, but there are some cutthroat places.

You need to consider if it is viable for you to start a new PhD in a different group. If you cannot see yourself wrapping up in a reasonable time (say no more than 1 year from now), I think it is time to close the chapter, reset and decide what to do next.

Understand that, if you are destined for great things, you will achieve them, maybe not in the path originally envisaged. This PhD is not the only route, and maybe a PhD is not the route after all.

What you do not want to do is to continue as is. Give yourself some 2 weeks to reflect, then decide and act.

Good luck!

Answer 3

I am really sorry you are in this situation. Everyone else is right that you should consdier talking to a professional about this. I don't know your country, but perhaps look for a subsidised or "cheaper" option?

Regarding your issue with your PhD, have you talked to your HOD about this? Perhaps even though you think that your "results that are up to the mark" it is actually not the case and you can somehow finish your PhD with what you have. I have seen plenty of cases (even my own PhD to some degree) where people have just done what they could (not the "best" work possible, just compiled whatever good or bad results they had and wrote their thesis because they run out of time or had issues with their supervisors) and got their PhD.

Still, something that you should ask yourself is if getting your PhD is actually worth what you're going through. From your post I would say it isn't. Of course changing careers is not going to be a piece of cake, but it is definitely better than spiraling in a carreer that is only making you unhappy. I saw that you're worried about dissapointing your father and I completely understand that, but if he was dissapointed he would eventually get over it, and it would be definitely better than seeing their child suffer or doing something even worse.

Unfortunately I think these situations are too frequent for PhD students, so I hope your situation improves and wish you the best of luck.

Answer 4

It is hard to suggest something without knowing the context of the lab or professor. One of the sentences that jumps to my attention is My results are still not up to the mark, I think this might be a sign of either an advisor that has not helped you design good experiments (where there is only one good outcome) or improper training (where you have not been trained on how to physically do your work); know that none of these reflect poorly on you, they reflect poorly on your environment.

Regarding the resources that might facilitate a transition to a field that you believe would fit you better. I know you mentioned my university doesn't have such kind of facilities and I can't afford that on my own because I don't work. but keep in mind that they might exist but not be 100% obvious. In my school this had the form of setting an appointment with the "Associate Dean of Academic Affairs" or your department head, with whom you can consult on what the alternatives are and what people in situations similar to your have done in the past. I know the general profile of the facilities and resources for "HR-like" issues can be almost non existent but I would encourage you to ask for advice to people in positions that could facilitate your transition.

Regarding resources that can help you with mental health. In my school there were support groups that were student-run that would help with this. Which is a time commitment but it is not a source of more financial burden. Try to post in your school's reddit channel asking for such resources, you are not alone in mental health struggles (https://www.nature.com/articles/s41578-022-00444-x).

Regarding whether the gap in your resume would reflect poorly on you ... it is not necessarily true, think of your CV as a story that you are telling interviewers. You can frame it as a period of your life that provided you with a more rounded understanding of science/academia/your current field and a time of personal growth in inter-personal relationships. So if you take control of the narrative and make sure you don't come across as "a serial quitter", you should be OK.

LMK if this helps!

Answer 5

1. If you were to complete your degree, what would your next step be, assuming you stay in the same field? If the next step would be to get a job at a company or as a research associate at a lab, it may be possible for you to still get such a job even if you were to quit the PhD (maybe it won't be as interesting / high-paying as you could get with the PhD). I say this for two reasons:

   a. Often, getting a job after school is a matter of knowing the right people and reconnecting with genuine mentors and peers you have met over the years, who are aware of your skills and abilities independently of whether you actually gained the degree. If you can think of any such people you know, it might be a good idea to approach them about your situation and see if they can help you find a fit.

   b. As has been pointed out, you've already gained a lot of the same skills that you would advertise about yourself if you did complete the PhD. So finding a job after the PhD is more a matter of finding a company / hiring manager who can see past the "Ph.D." title and judge you based on your actual skills and knowledge. It may not be easy, but I think it is certainly possible. At worst, maybe you'd be getting a bachelors-level job rather than a PhD-level one, but it sounds like you'd still be a lot happier.

2. Some schools / departments offer masters degrees, possibly research-based masters degrees. Perhaps you can inquire about "converting" your PhD program to a masters program, which presumably has way lower requirements for graduating, and just finish the minimum requirements for the masters and leave. That way, at least you get a degree in return for your time and efforts over the last 5 years. This option will almost certainly not be advertised on the website of your school because it is not a standard path, usually, so you'd likely have to ask an administrator. But in my opinion, if you plan to quit, then it is worth exploring this or something similar, because you have nothing to lose.

3. When things are not going well for a PhD student, it is often a bad thing not only for the student, but also for the advisor. Usually, in your situation your advisor should have every incentive to make you graduate and leave ASAP, so that they can stop funding you and start funding a new student on a different project (no reflection on you, this is just how advisors often think). After all, the advisor mostly wants publications, and if you're not publishing and your project is not going well (even if it's not at all your fault), then your advisor is just sinking grant money. If this is the case, can you talk to your advisor and reach an agreement such as "if I get the project to xyz state, can I graduate?" If your advisor indeed has issues with you as a student, then I would think they'd be more than happy to let you go as soon as feasible.

4. Switching to a creative field, such as writing, from life sciences, might be easier if you can come up with a strategy to hold a primary "day job" that you are already qualified for, and then, over time, build your creative portfolio on the side. That way, at least you can build financial stability while pursuing your passion on the side. Some may disagree with this approach and argue that you have to go "all in" to your true passion, which is also a valid point of view - it's up to you to decide which path works for you.

5. Of course, the suggestions above may not help with the pressure of expectations placed on you by others. Hopefully, the expectations are ultimately coming from a place of love and a desire to see you succeed in life. So, if you were to quit the PhD, start a job, and do really well at the job, then the people who have the expectations may be disappointed in the near term, but in the long term, when they see you thrive in the new setting, maybe they will end up being proud of you for fighting for your happiness.