How can I recover professionally from being a crank?

Question

Three years ago I got kicked out of graduate school in physics. I was suffering from mental illness, which led me to believe I made a huge discovery in physics. But my advisor kept saying that what I was doing is nonsense and that I should focus on something else. I just ignored him and kept working on huge discovery, convinced I was going to win a Nobel prize.

I started sending many emails to many physics people (I had a list of thousand email addresses I found online) hoping someone would realize my amazing discovery. I got kicked from school which made me send more emails (almost one a day near the end), and when I got negative responses I sent an email to everyone on the list insulting them and saying I deserved to be in their place.

I got psychiatric help, and eventually doctors found a brain tumor, which they removed. I am now taking drugs, and doing much better. I now realize how insane my behavior was.

I want to re-apply to grad school, but I’m scared people will recognize my name or contact my university. My undergraduate grades were very good. Should I mention my illness (with proof) when applying? Should I send apology emails to the people I’ve contacted?

Answer 1

A few suggestions:

• If it were me, I would be very forthcoming about the illness. Of course, no one is entitled to your private medical information, so you will have to decide what you're comfortable with. But "an undiagnosed brain tumor caused me to act erratically" is a very convincing explanation, and does not reflect poorly on you.
• Consider reaching out to your previous advisors / colleagues. Even those who were furious at your previous behavior would probably accept that an undiagnosed brain tumor caused you to exhibit poor judgment. It's a "Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde" situation.
• Along similar lines, consider contacting the university, and the specific school within the university, to discuss whether the expulsion can be expunged or converted to some other classification. Most universities are really understanding if you speak to the right people.
• When you apply, I would absolutely explain what happened. I would give a shorter version of what you wrote above -- even if they don't recognize your name, they will see that you were expelled, so it's better to tell your story. And you did a good job telling the story above, so I trust that you can write an explanation that is similarly clear and compelling.
• There will likely be no need to provide medical proof. You could (perhaps even should) offer to provide proof, but I suspect most admissions committees would not request it. Among other reasons, it will likely be clear from your tone that you have recovered.
• I don't think it's necessary to send an apology to your entire mailing list. But I don't think doing so would be inappropriate either. If you do so, be concise: no need for more than a sentence or two.

Answer 2

Change your name

I don't know about other countries but in the UK one can change their name by deed poll. https://www.gov.uk/change-name-deed-poll

It is also acceptable to write academic papers under a pseudonym. If I publish under a pseudonym, can I still take credit for my work?

Also in the UK, universities are required to take issues of mental health very seriously. https://www.universitiesuk.ac.uk/policy-and-analysis/stepchange

If you did very well in your undergraduate studies, I suggest you contact lecturers who were kindly disposed towards you then and ask if they will help by providing references. Remind them of your record (get a transcript) because, if at that time you were an 'ordinary' student they may not remember you. If they got word of your "craziness" they will only have heard it second hand. Tell them about your brain tumour and its removal - no need to mention follow-up drugs IMO. Remind them of how you were when they knew you and ask if they will support you on that basis.

Once you have been formally accepted at a new university, now is the time to notify them of your legal name change. The paperwork will go through the office.

How do I know this? I actually did the name-change thing. I didn't do what you did in terms of mental health, but for personal reasons I wanted to leave my old life behind (see note). No-one but my family and a few old friends know what my name used to be.

If you are not in the UK then of course you will need to research the situation in your own country. (or apply to a UK university)

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Note: Don't worry, nothing criminal!

Answer 3

Congrats on identifying and moving past your illness! You'll find academics a comparatively accepting crowd as you move on.

I would suggest contacting those you've "cranked" to, telling them exactly what you've told us. You had a brain tumor, and it's been removed. You're embarrassed by your behavior during your illness, though not apologetic, as people don't need to apologize for being ill. Tell them future contacts from you will be in only professionally appropriate situations, and request that earlier contacts be evaluated in appropriate context.

Answer 4

Since the release of the movie A Beautiful Mind I'm certain that a lot of academics have seen it and can understand that mental illness can happen even to the most brilliant people.

The story begins in Nash's days as a graduate student at Princeton University. Early in the film, Nash begins to develop paranoid schizophrenia and endures delusional episodes while watching the burden his condition brings on his wife Alicia and friends.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/A_Beautiful_Mind_(film)

If you haven't seen it yourself then I recommend it as a confidence booster. This true story shows that it is still possible to be successful despite having to cope with major delusions.

With regard to apologies/explanations, I think the people who need them most will be those you know personally. They know you by sight and will recognise you at conferences. A short but sincere apology and explanation is all that is needed.

A possible title for an email might be, "Apology from a student who was ill". The body could simply be: "I would like to apologise sincerely for an email I sent you when I was suffering from a brain tumour. It caused me to have delusions. Thankfully surgery has corrected this and I am planning to resume my normal life in academia. Once again I apologise for any offence I may have caused."

Answer 5

Your case is very special and not something one encounters usually. So I doubt an accurate and confident answer is possible by the community here.

Bad things happen in life for everyone. In your case, you are out of it. And that is positive. Your past actions definitely will have an impact on your life and career but you should note that memory of people is dynamic. Your present matters more to your future than the past. And you have a very good and honest reason for your actions in past.

I do not think you need to apologize to each and everyone except the people who you have an in-person connection with. Definitely to the people in your previous school. Others would have forgotten you already. Change your email-id. Start fresh.

You are not a crank anymore. That person is cured and you are different. Mention this in your application. I am sure that you will eventually get a good PhD school, and who knows, might win a Nobel prize.

Answer 6

Unless you were previously known to them or legitimately made them anxious for some reason, most of them will have forgotten your name. (If we are talking about a few-year gap.) It's normal for a crank to get offended when their idea is shot down, it's only when it turns into extended harassment that it becomes noteworthy. If someone told you about a perpetual motion machine a few years ago you might remember it but probably not their name.

I have gone through something similar to you (I know how priceless your recovery is and I know that the subtle stuff takes years to mend). Here is what I would tell you:

It's a war story, not a sob story. You've learned a lot that many people never will. There are lots of interesting things you could tell; you have, I'm sure, learned a lot about the mind and soul, about human behaviour. This sort of thing can help you be more successful because you have more insight into how other people's minds work. "Own" your past behaviour—show why it's interesting rather than apologising/showing how "you're better now"/are safe to be trusted. You can use humour to lighten it up, but intellectual people often want to learn more about the hows and whys.

People are prejudiced about mental disorders. Unfortunately. I've noticed subtle changes in first impressions if I speak freely to people. Now I understand what "covert racism" is. People treat you with respect but somehow you get far fewer follow-ups to the proverbial résumé.

Once people have formed a relationship with you, hearing your story actually makes them gain respect for you. But don't volunteer too much too early is my advice.

Nothing says "sane" like face-to-face. If you meet someone in person and they get the impression you are a normal, intelligent person, this carries a lot of weight over any written or word-of-mouth communication. If you want to start on the right foot with someone, try to catch them at an event, or better still, have someone introduce you. (Dammit, COVID.) I'm not saying this is guaranteed but if you want to apologise to someone, and you have the option to do it in person, do that.

Find the language. For unusual experiences like this, it's hard to find the right words. It's easy to fumble or say nothing, which leaves people confused or making the wrong assumptions. I had to learn to say "oh, sorry, I got overexcited, that's embarrassing" and "sorry I'm not feeling well right now." Sometimes it's about spin, for example "I became obsessed with an idea that wasn't very good" compared to "I had an idea that was utterly insane and acted like I had just discovered one of the biggest breakthroughs ever." I'm still not very good at this. I like to tell my story from my perspective, when the "objective" perspective is probably better most of the time.

Answer 7

I'm sorry this happened to you. I too suffer from mental illness, and sometimes people just don't understand.

I would explain what the circumstances were behind your episode. People will be very sympathetic when they realize that a tumor in you brain was the cause. Even those you insulted will understand.

Do not change your name as some have suggested. That makes it seem as though you are hiding from what happened.

Do not contact the 1000 people you emailed. If you feel that you want to explain your actions to specific people, then do that. If you got into an exchange with a specific person, maybe get in touch with them and explain. I'll bet that the majority of the people on the email blast you sent out have forgotten your name and/or never opened the email to begin with.

Move on with your life. Continue your education. You didn't intentionally lie or try to trick people into a believing a sham theory. You had a brain tumor. Again, people will be very sympathetic when they know the reason behind what happened.

Answer 8

You self-identity as a recovered crank, which is unusual. But then, you had a specific medical cause perturbing your thought patterns and you now have a competent professional perspective on your erstwhile cranky notions (and the accompanying megalomania and paranoia), something which typical cranks do not ever acquire.

Cranks also, according to expert Underwood Dudley, never sent out messages stating 'I have stopped now.' You are considering such. People that you might have pestered repeatedly, and to whom you perhaps made angry comments or veiled threats (as cranks often do), would probably appreciate an apology/explanation. People who were probably able to summarily dismiss you as 'just another one' probably do not need to hear from you again.

To your question. As a former director and admissions tutor in a large MSc/PhD research school, I would assess your current state of competence and base my decision on this, regardless of any history and whether I knew about it. If you did not disclose it, but I found out about it later, I would be somewhat miffed but could easily forgive you if your performance was stellar, much less so otherwise. So choosing to keep this to yourself (which despite of what I just said I do think you'd be entitled to) would be a bit of a gamble. If you do not disclose but still exhibit, at interview, signs of mental frailness (shyness, insecurity), or its diametrical opposite, that would worry me in its own right since the programme is demanding. If you do disclose I would worry about the possibility of a relapse (yes, I am aware it was due to that tumor but human psychology is complex) and at the very least address this with you and work out a sort of 'early warnings sign' protocol for us both.

Answer 9

Nobody on this site should be advising on your recovery from illness. Discuss that with a professional who has examined you personally.

If you apply for a new PhD, you will be required to give a record of your previous studies. This will show you were "kicked out." To convince an admissions committee you should be readmitted, you will need to tell them your expulsion was related to an untreated illness and you will need to inform the committee of the degree to which you have recovered from the illness and probability of recurrence (ask your medical professional). You do not need to provide proof of the illness, or even say what it was. You should explicitly state that the illness caused behavior which lead to expulsion.

Any educated person who read your emails would have realized you were ill. Apologizing would be a matter of personal preference.

Based on the limited information you provided, I do not see any reason why you could not get a PhD.