I used to think that online exams allow me to perform better in exams in a more relaxed setting, but today after an examination I changed my opinions, because the tutor proctor probably thought I was cheating and he reported the incident to the professor.
Just 20 minutes into the exam somebody was knocking my door (I did not dare to respond at first but the knocks kept getting stronger), so I opened the chatbox in Zoom and asked the tutor to let me leave my seat. Sadly, I may have forgot to close the chatbox, and because I used my mobile phone for Zoom (because my macbook encounters the errors "There is no connected camera" constantly), during the period of my leaving my camera was not opened. When I got back to the seat I hurriedly close the chatbox and continue with the examination. What I did not see is the mesage by the tutor "Why did you close the camera?". So during the period of my leaving my tutor did not see me. But this is not the end of my misfortune (or the consequences of my carelessness)
At the end of the exams, when students were supposed to upload the scripts, I realised I forgot to write down my student ID on the first page of the script, and I hurriedly write down the ID, all while the tutor saw me writing it down. He immediately messaged me in the chatbox telling me he would report it to the professor. What followed was my nervous pleading in the chatbox that I did not cheat and all I was writing down was my student ID.
I feel very dejected after this exam. I am an extremely honest kind of a person when it comes to academic affairs, and I take research and thinking very seriously. The examination was an exam on network models and the difficulty lies in the proof, so there is no way I can cheat in such a short period of time. The exam is even open-book so I am allowed to check the facts I forgot, and I need not memorise any algorithm so there is no need for a computer. But I think my nervous impression and the subtle anger of the tutor already sounded a death knell. I cannot write down in words how catastrophic this feels for me, because I suffered from extreme anxiety in the past and this significantly impacted my grades already. But after recovering from this I chose mathematics as my minor anyway despite its difficulty instead of choosing an easy path to improve my grades. I was improving my grades a lot last semester, but here comes this unexpected incident. I am now thrown into the mode of reminiscence and remorse, as I feel like despite my honesty to my own feelings and thinking, for example in pursuing my dream as a neuroscientist instead of taking the more respected career of medicine, or in choosing a harder minor as opposed to easier junior electives to inflate my grades, these are all just living in my own head, and they carry no value when an incident like this arises. I do not know if I can still stand this impermanence.
But I know very clearly I have to do something to minimise the damage done. What rational actions should I do?
=============Updates 2:54 pm 19 May 2020=============
After settling my mind down I feel much better, and I received the email reply from my professor saying that "There is nothing serious. So don't worry!". So it seems that he does believe in me or he is a professor very tolerant of students' dilemma. On my anxiety-induced Google search of similar incidents, I found due to Covid-19 and the shift to online exams and learning, many more students are facing such difficulties. For future readers who will have similar concerns as mine, please in addition to all the panicking and worrying realise somebody has been through similar problems and be them lucky or unlucky they definitely understand your psychological tension, a fact that should be solacing you too. Also, please think and write a logical defence for yourself, and if needed please collect similar cases and present a stronger case.
